I spent the weekend at Borivali. And came back with a very heavy heart. A lot of things could be at work but most of all, was this feeling of loneliness. The kind of feeling one gets of being lonely even in a crowd. Except Sanjay, who was recuperating from his malaria, we were all there, and yet, my mind wasn’t. Even at Nakshatra, where I was for most of the two days, and was pretty much occupied with the interior work, but something kept tugging at my heart. Even when Sudhirmama or Vardekaka kept constantly referring to 304 as ' Deepa che ghar.'
It is the last week of July. And that by itself always weighs me down. No matter how hard I try, I just cannot block out the events of that week in 2001. Time is supposed to be a great healer, but in this case, it is getting more n more difficult to face this time of the year, with each passing year. I wish I could just do away with this month. It is too traumatic.
And then, there are the rains. Heavy, unrelenting Bombay rains. I stepped out into the heavy downpour yesterday. It feels so good to have the cold rain all over you, drenching you in all its iciness. It really was a very heavy lashing with cold, cold winds and I really enjoyed walking in that shower. I did have people looking at me in amazement. They must have wondered. But I had my thoughts with me. Thoughts about Sunny and my conversation with him yesterday morning. And then, there is Atul. And Neha. All in my thoughts. Parag, who I haven’t met in the whole of last year. And Mustafa, who was here last week and wanted me to meet him over a cup of coffee. And I tried to but couldn’t make it. Preeti, whom I haven’t called in almost a month. And of-course, Sanjay, with whom it’s been quite sometime that I went for a leisurely walk. To his arms I love to snuggle up to and he slips his hand around my waist as we walk.
My racing thoughts and the ever-increasing downpour……
And suddenly, I couldn’t fight the tears anymore. Even as they mixed with the rain pouring down my face, overwhelming me completely. I just kept walking. I don’t know if it was the rain in my eyes or the tears, but my sight got blurred and I knew I had to stop or I might not turn back. I just stood there for sometime taking in the rain and allowed my tears to flow freely. Till I felt drained. Bare.
Then I returned home;
completely drenched by the rains……..
totally soaked in my emotions…….
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2 comments:
Jiza, i know how we wish we could block the month of July for the rest of our lives, but u know as well as I do, that its not going to happen and no matter how hard we try its going to haunt us for the rest of our lives. there are nights when i can still hear papa at Jaslok.. happily chatting away with the attendant or the doctor ... jiza those days are etched in my memory and the nightmares recoccuring.
I was with Neha at the hospital the other day for her eye and i could not bear to see that sight, the doctors in their whites, the nurses in their green , the stench of the liquid used to clean the room, the groaning sounds of some of the patients .. it made me fell very ill, very nauseating ...
Anyways Jiza, the important thing is keep your self occupied , for u its the constant running behind the kids, for me its Neha :)
Time is the best healer , but that does not mean that it will heal the wounds completely. Just remember Jiza, papa is in a far better place and he is looking our us .. laughing and crying with us, doing everything in his will to help us get through the difficult times in life, and always showing us the right way ....
sorry for bringing this up, but there are times when i want to talk to him and hug him , and all i feel is empty air ...
Thanks for being there for me jiza and helping me cope with the grief.
ps: i am going to delete this comment once you have read it
and I realize, its' July...will call ya tomorrow...take care...
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