I’m currently terribly hooked on to this song – “Mohabbat aapse” from Aa dekhen zara. Great lyrics, good rendition, soulful composition ... It has this effect on me and I feel like I am being engulfed in by a very soft sensation. It’s almost hypnotic.
I just can’t seem to be getting enough of it……
Monday, April 20, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Sunny....
Layoff….. it was a close call…. And it passed us by…..
I had my faith… not in any idol of worship, but in Sunny. In his integrity, his commitment, his record of delivering in time. But those were not the only criteria to retain an employee, I was told. With an estimated ratio that one in every four was to be laid –off, the stakes were really high. And there was no telling who would be at the receiving end. It was not solely performance–based this time. A lot of other factors were at play too. And in these times of recession and cost-cutting, there was no knowing which side one would end up. But I had my faith.
Having said that, however, there are some things that are just beyond your control, beyond your reasoning or your understanding. And whole of today I did feel a bit weighed down. More so after yesterday when Sunny said that he was feeling weak. (I couldn’t help but remember that he always felt that way before any of his exams.) I so much wanted to be there for him. It definitely was a trying time for him. And as always he had to battle it out himself. I hated that. I mean, u have to fight your own fights, but u don’t have to be alone. And Sunny not only had to fight it out but he was all by himself too in all his struggles. We could only give him words of support and comfort from the opposite side of the planet. But there was no one when he came back to his shared apartment after a dejected day. No one was there to put a comforting hand around him or even put his favorite meal to pep him up. No one beside him when he hit the bed in the night. We were all there for him and yet, we were not. And it all came back to me after speaking with him yesterday. And I felt so helpless, so damn helpless.
However, this time he isn’t alone. Neha, my angel, is there with him. And I know he is in good hands. She will do what it takes to always keep him in his elements. She is there with him and that has taken a huge load off me. I don’t worry about him as much now, and yet whole of today, I was a bit disoriented. Solely because the very fact that he wasn’t feeling very well yesterday meant he was worked up. And that I don’t like. I just couldn’t find anything to do to pass the afternoon waiting for it to be morning in Boston. I was plain restless. It had nothing to do with the layoff-thing but with my kid-brother being worked up enough to fall sick. Nothing in this world should have that effect on my kids.
And if at all it does, then I shouldn’t be so helpless as to not be able to shield them or stand by them, for them….
P.S: Sunny, u rock. And Neha, I love you. Atul, I miss you.
You guys make my world.
I had my faith… not in any idol of worship, but in Sunny. In his integrity, his commitment, his record of delivering in time. But those were not the only criteria to retain an employee, I was told. With an estimated ratio that one in every four was to be laid –off, the stakes were really high. And there was no telling who would be at the receiving end. It was not solely performance–based this time. A lot of other factors were at play too. And in these times of recession and cost-cutting, there was no knowing which side one would end up. But I had my faith.
Having said that, however, there are some things that are just beyond your control, beyond your reasoning or your understanding. And whole of today I did feel a bit weighed down. More so after yesterday when Sunny said that he was feeling weak. (I couldn’t help but remember that he always felt that way before any of his exams.) I so much wanted to be there for him. It definitely was a trying time for him. And as always he had to battle it out himself. I hated that. I mean, u have to fight your own fights, but u don’t have to be alone. And Sunny not only had to fight it out but he was all by himself too in all his struggles. We could only give him words of support and comfort from the opposite side of the planet. But there was no one when he came back to his shared apartment after a dejected day. No one was there to put a comforting hand around him or even put his favorite meal to pep him up. No one beside him when he hit the bed in the night. We were all there for him and yet, we were not. And it all came back to me after speaking with him yesterday. And I felt so helpless, so damn helpless.
However, this time he isn’t alone. Neha, my angel, is there with him. And I know he is in good hands. She will do what it takes to always keep him in his elements. She is there with him and that has taken a huge load off me. I don’t worry about him as much now, and yet whole of today, I was a bit disoriented. Solely because the very fact that he wasn’t feeling very well yesterday meant he was worked up. And that I don’t like. I just couldn’t find anything to do to pass the afternoon waiting for it to be morning in Boston. I was plain restless. It had nothing to do with the layoff-thing but with my kid-brother being worked up enough to fall sick. Nothing in this world should have that effect on my kids.
And if at all it does, then I shouldn’t be so helpless as to not be able to shield them or stand by them, for them….
P.S: Sunny, u rock. And Neha, I love you. Atul, I miss you.
You guys make my world.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
HOLI........
Today is Holi. Actually, it’s one festival I have never been too fond of. But this day does have some special memories, especially of papa, who used to wake up very early in the morning to fill up the water balloons. He would also make colored water in a bucket and place that bucket in the passage outside our home. And then send me off to play this festival of color with sound instructions of not hitting at anybody above the chest level or spraying color into anyone’s face or eating or drinking anything offered by anyone known or unknown. Then coming back in the afternoon after having played to the heart’s crazy content, I would hate at what I saw in the mirror and dash into the bathroom to wash n rid me of all the horrific colors. And every time it was the same difficult bathing experience and I would promise myself that, that was my last holi.
And then there used to be the HOLI –LUNCH. Mom’s absolutely mind-blowing puran-polis. Piping hot! Straight from the girdle into my plate accompanied by masalewale aloo and kadi. Aah! jannat, really!
Another recollection I have of Holi is the harrowing time we used to have a good eight to ten days before the actual day. My school bus-stop was at the main corner of our street and it was quite a walk to our society. It was almost traumatic to walk that stretch those few days as the boys of the area would wait in hiding n target every girl that passed by. I remember asking my mom to come to fetch me though it really wasn’t much help.
And then there was the actual day. All that color and that madness about who gets to apply the most and on whom, who gets painted the most, who gets drenched the most….all madness to the hilt! I never really enjoyed all that once I grew out of my childhood and stepped into my teens. But I stepped out, nevertheless, just to be in sync with my peers. Even then, I remember always keeping a distance and carrying an air about me like I was off-limits. I never realized it back then but now, looking back, I understand why I was the least colored among all my other friends and also the most dry one in the entire building. It must have been my o-touch-me-not attitude. Only, they didn’t call it attitude back then. But somehow, I never really liked being doused with color by just about anyone. In fact, I don’t remember me applying color to anyone except a few friends I considered “safe”. I believed if I don’t touch you then u can’t touch me! And I think it really worked for me…
I don’t exactly remember why or how I developed distaste for this festival but my vivid recollection is of the Holi I played when I was fifteen and in the tenth std. My board exams were on and the algebra paper was the very next day. Ideally, I wouldn’t even have thought of stepping out of home leave alone play holi, but I was cajoled by some of my friends and I couldn’t say no. So though I didn’t even have my own colors, I still went to play with borrowed ones. And it turned out to be my best Holi …. And the last too.
Then college happened and a whole new series of learning experiences and evolving from those started happening. I realized that I didn’t have to do things I didn’t want to just to be in with my friends. So though they would come calling, I would not go. The slogan” Holi hai, bhai holi hai, bura na mano, holi hai”, and everything that was expected to be allowed under its guise; I just couldn’t allow myself to let go into this frenzy. I just couldn’t stand that crazy madness anymore.
Sanjay too, isn’t a holi fan either. So it makes the two of us. But so are my little devils. Infact, yash did play until a year or two back when it became too murky n dirty for his taste. My other little gem had been playing with plain water the last couple of days and I thought, OK, at least we have someone here who doesn’t hold a thing against this day. But last evening he came home and announced that he shouldn’t be hassled about going to play holi as his friend had just informed him that he would not only be required to bring colors but also that he will be doused in a variety of those. That’s it. But in the morning he thought he would give it a shot. So he stepped out armed with his water-pistol. I was hopeful. But it was short lived. Little Teddy was back home in 15 minutes, no less. He had just a little bit of color on his cheek n a wee bit on his tee. And that was enough to turn him off! He checked himself out in the mirror and rushed his father to bathe him immediately. And then, promised me that he would not play holi ever again!
So I am back to square-one…..
Having said all that, now I must mention that this post has happened because Sunny made me all nostalgic about Holi. It is, however, very ironic that I haven’t ever played holi with him. Simply because by the time he stepped out to play this colored riot, I had taken a retreat from it. Strange, now that I think about this.
…..and I always thought there was nothing that Sunny and I didn’t share. Well, just one pinch of color, Sunny. For you….
And then there used to be the HOLI –LUNCH. Mom’s absolutely mind-blowing puran-polis. Piping hot! Straight from the girdle into my plate accompanied by masalewale aloo and kadi. Aah! jannat, really!
Another recollection I have of Holi is the harrowing time we used to have a good eight to ten days before the actual day. My school bus-stop was at the main corner of our street and it was quite a walk to our society. It was almost traumatic to walk that stretch those few days as the boys of the area would wait in hiding n target every girl that passed by. I remember asking my mom to come to fetch me though it really wasn’t much help.
And then there was the actual day. All that color and that madness about who gets to apply the most and on whom, who gets painted the most, who gets drenched the most….all madness to the hilt! I never really enjoyed all that once I grew out of my childhood and stepped into my teens. But I stepped out, nevertheless, just to be in sync with my peers. Even then, I remember always keeping a distance and carrying an air about me like I was off-limits. I never realized it back then but now, looking back, I understand why I was the least colored among all my other friends and also the most dry one in the entire building. It must have been my o-touch-me-not attitude. Only, they didn’t call it attitude back then. But somehow, I never really liked being doused with color by just about anyone. In fact, I don’t remember me applying color to anyone except a few friends I considered “safe”. I believed if I don’t touch you then u can’t touch me! And I think it really worked for me…
I don’t exactly remember why or how I developed distaste for this festival but my vivid recollection is of the Holi I played when I was fifteen and in the tenth std. My board exams were on and the algebra paper was the very next day. Ideally, I wouldn’t even have thought of stepping out of home leave alone play holi, but I was cajoled by some of my friends and I couldn’t say no. So though I didn’t even have my own colors, I still went to play with borrowed ones. And it turned out to be my best Holi …. And the last too.
Then college happened and a whole new series of learning experiences and evolving from those started happening. I realized that I didn’t have to do things I didn’t want to just to be in with my friends. So though they would come calling, I would not go. The slogan” Holi hai, bhai holi hai, bura na mano, holi hai”, and everything that was expected to be allowed under its guise; I just couldn’t allow myself to let go into this frenzy. I just couldn’t stand that crazy madness anymore.
Sanjay too, isn’t a holi fan either. So it makes the two of us. But so are my little devils. Infact, yash did play until a year or two back when it became too murky n dirty for his taste. My other little gem had been playing with plain water the last couple of days and I thought, OK, at least we have someone here who doesn’t hold a thing against this day. But last evening he came home and announced that he shouldn’t be hassled about going to play holi as his friend had just informed him that he would not only be required to bring colors but also that he will be doused in a variety of those. That’s it. But in the morning he thought he would give it a shot. So he stepped out armed with his water-pistol. I was hopeful. But it was short lived. Little Teddy was back home in 15 minutes, no less. He had just a little bit of color on his cheek n a wee bit on his tee. And that was enough to turn him off! He checked himself out in the mirror and rushed his father to bathe him immediately. And then, promised me that he would not play holi ever again!
So I am back to square-one…..
Having said all that, now I must mention that this post has happened because Sunny made me all nostalgic about Holi. It is, however, very ironic that I haven’t ever played holi with him. Simply because by the time he stepped out to play this colored riot, I had taken a retreat from it. Strange, now that I think about this.
…..and I always thought there was nothing that Sunny and I didn’t share. Well, just one pinch of color, Sunny. For you….
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Interesting read....
Leafing thru’ an old diary, I came across the lyrics of the Billy Joel song, ‘A matter of Trust”. I don’t know when the song was released but I found it in my 1989 diary. A few of its lines still affect me the same way….
Some love is just a lie of the heart
The cold remains of what began
With a passionate start
And we may not want it to end
But it will, it’s just a question of when.
I’ve lived long enough to have learned
The closer you get to the fire
The more you get burned…..
After you have heard lie upon lie
there can hardly be a question of why.
Some love is just a lie of the heart
The cold remains of what began
with a passionate start.
Hmmm… some things never change, i guess.......
Some love is just a lie of the heart
The cold remains of what began
With a passionate start
And we may not want it to end
But it will, it’s just a question of when.
I’ve lived long enough to have learned
The closer you get to the fire
The more you get burned…..
After you have heard lie upon lie
there can hardly be a question of why.
Some love is just a lie of the heart
The cold remains of what began
with a passionate start.
Hmmm… some things never change, i guess.......
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
The Frail Figure
It was raining cats and dogs yesterday. And the rains were accompanied by gusty winds. Winds so strong that many a tree had been uprooted. It was even difficult to walk, so strong was the current in the air. It was Sunday and I was on my way to Borivali. And was enjoying the stormy weather, feeling the cold wind literally bruise my face as the auto I was in tried to maintain a decent speed against the wind. The auto guy was concentrating very hard to veer his vehicle on the slippery road. It was indeed very bad weather. But I was enjoying the meanness of the rains and the chill in the air.
And then, I saw him. A frail, thin, semi-clad figure lying by the roadside. He was lying in a foetal position, the rains lashing on him mercilessly. Not a soul was around. I reflexively asked the auto-driver to stop. The guy was very reluctant to but I coaxed him. I stepped out and checked on the figure with the driver’s help. The auto-driver told me that the guy had passed out. He was probably too drunk. There is nothing we can do, he said, so let’s get going. “Lekin aise to ye mar jayega”, I said to him. “Jaane do, madam” was his stoic reply. There was not even any shade where the guy could be sheltered under. I had no choice but to walk past the guy and go my way. The auto-driver told me that such things are not unusual. I said, I know, but the weather is brutal today. The guy then told me ke ho sakta hai koi police ko inform kar de. I said I hope so. And then I was hit by my conscious. Why should I hope for someone to do the needful? Why can’t I make that call? Having once noticed a hoarding informing citizens to be alert on coming across anything unusual and to call the Thane police, I had stored that phone number on my cell phone. I looked it up and was glad to find it in my contacts list. I dialed that number but it was busy. And it kept busy. I called up Sanjay, briefed him up, gave him the Thane police number and asked him to keep trying. I too, kept trying till I reached Nakshatra and till other things took over my attention.
It was very late by the time I reached back home. The weather was still very bad. The rains had taken a back seat but the winds were unrelenting. In fact, what I had enjoyed in the morning was now very eerie. Once again, my thoughts went to the frail figure. And as I approached that particular spot, as expected, he was gone. I wondered what had happened to the guy. Had someone finally managed to inform the police? Or had someone recognized him and had informed his kins who had come and taken him? Or had the worse happened? I hoped not.
Once home, I asked Sanjay if he had been able to get thru’ to the cops. And he replied in the negative. On the contrary, he had a whole list of questions thrown in my direction. Who the hell do u think u r? Why can’t u mind ur own business? Kya jaroorat hai tumhe ye sab karne ki? Jhansi ki rani ho kya? Join a proper social service organization and then go about doing such things, etc. etc….. Even my elder one, who many times takes over as my elder brother (and fits in perfectly, what with his mature thoughts and rigid mind-set), gave me an earful. He tells me in his very distinct style ke “Ma, it’s good to be concerned and all that, but u could land in trouble too. Aapko samjhta nahi hain kya?” No amount of reasoning got me anywhere with the guys. So I just took a back seat and let go of the issue.
But my thoughts were with what had happened to the guy? He obviously couldn’t have disappeared into thin air. Then what had happened? He too must have family. Surely they must have been concerned about him too. The sight of that frail figure lying by the roadside with the rain beating down on him kept haunting me and kept reappearing in front of my eyes. I just couldn’t shake it off. Sanjay sensed how it was bothering me and told me to leave it as such things happen so regularly that no one gives it a second thought. I know, but it is so inhuman to just walk past. “I agree”, said Sanjay “but that’s how it is. Kya kar sakti ho tum? So just let it go”.
Just let it go………
Just let it go???????
And then, I saw him. A frail, thin, semi-clad figure lying by the roadside. He was lying in a foetal position, the rains lashing on him mercilessly. Not a soul was around. I reflexively asked the auto-driver to stop. The guy was very reluctant to but I coaxed him. I stepped out and checked on the figure with the driver’s help. The auto-driver told me that the guy had passed out. He was probably too drunk. There is nothing we can do, he said, so let’s get going. “Lekin aise to ye mar jayega”, I said to him. “Jaane do, madam” was his stoic reply. There was not even any shade where the guy could be sheltered under. I had no choice but to walk past the guy and go my way. The auto-driver told me that such things are not unusual. I said, I know, but the weather is brutal today. The guy then told me ke ho sakta hai koi police ko inform kar de. I said I hope so. And then I was hit by my conscious. Why should I hope for someone to do the needful? Why can’t I make that call? Having once noticed a hoarding informing citizens to be alert on coming across anything unusual and to call the Thane police, I had stored that phone number on my cell phone. I looked it up and was glad to find it in my contacts list. I dialed that number but it was busy. And it kept busy. I called up Sanjay, briefed him up, gave him the Thane police number and asked him to keep trying. I too, kept trying till I reached Nakshatra and till other things took over my attention.
It was very late by the time I reached back home. The weather was still very bad. The rains had taken a back seat but the winds were unrelenting. In fact, what I had enjoyed in the morning was now very eerie. Once again, my thoughts went to the frail figure. And as I approached that particular spot, as expected, he was gone. I wondered what had happened to the guy. Had someone finally managed to inform the police? Or had someone recognized him and had informed his kins who had come and taken him? Or had the worse happened? I hoped not.
Once home, I asked Sanjay if he had been able to get thru’ to the cops. And he replied in the negative. On the contrary, he had a whole list of questions thrown in my direction. Who the hell do u think u r? Why can’t u mind ur own business? Kya jaroorat hai tumhe ye sab karne ki? Jhansi ki rani ho kya? Join a proper social service organization and then go about doing such things, etc. etc….. Even my elder one, who many times takes over as my elder brother (and fits in perfectly, what with his mature thoughts and rigid mind-set), gave me an earful. He tells me in his very distinct style ke “Ma, it’s good to be concerned and all that, but u could land in trouble too. Aapko samjhta nahi hain kya?” No amount of reasoning got me anywhere with the guys. So I just took a back seat and let go of the issue.
But my thoughts were with what had happened to the guy? He obviously couldn’t have disappeared into thin air. Then what had happened? He too must have family. Surely they must have been concerned about him too. The sight of that frail figure lying by the roadside with the rain beating down on him kept haunting me and kept reappearing in front of my eyes. I just couldn’t shake it off. Sanjay sensed how it was bothering me and told me to leave it as such things happen so regularly that no one gives it a second thought. I know, but it is so inhuman to just walk past. “I agree”, said Sanjay “but that’s how it is. Kya kar sakti ho tum? So just let it go”.
Just let it go………
Just let it go???????
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Completely drenched.... totally soaked......
I spent the weekend at Borivali. And came back with a very heavy heart. A lot of things could be at work but most of all, was this feeling of loneliness. The kind of feeling one gets of being lonely even in a crowd. Except Sanjay, who was recuperating from his malaria, we were all there, and yet, my mind wasn’t. Even at Nakshatra, where I was for most of the two days, and was pretty much occupied with the interior work, but something kept tugging at my heart. Even when Sudhirmama or Vardekaka kept constantly referring to 304 as ' Deepa che ghar.'
It is the last week of July. And that by itself always weighs me down. No matter how hard I try, I just cannot block out the events of that week in 2001. Time is supposed to be a great healer, but in this case, it is getting more n more difficult to face this time of the year, with each passing year. I wish I could just do away with this month. It is too traumatic.
And then, there are the rains. Heavy, unrelenting Bombay rains. I stepped out into the heavy downpour yesterday. It feels so good to have the cold rain all over you, drenching you in all its iciness. It really was a very heavy lashing with cold, cold winds and I really enjoyed walking in that shower. I did have people looking at me in amazement. They must have wondered. But I had my thoughts with me. Thoughts about Sunny and my conversation with him yesterday morning. And then, there is Atul. And Neha. All in my thoughts. Parag, who I haven’t met in the whole of last year. And Mustafa, who was here last week and wanted me to meet him over a cup of coffee. And I tried to but couldn’t make it. Preeti, whom I haven’t called in almost a month. And of-course, Sanjay, with whom it’s been quite sometime that I went for a leisurely walk. To his arms I love to snuggle up to and he slips his hand around my waist as we walk.
My racing thoughts and the ever-increasing downpour……
And suddenly, I couldn’t fight the tears anymore. Even as they mixed with the rain pouring down my face, overwhelming me completely. I just kept walking. I don’t know if it was the rain in my eyes or the tears, but my sight got blurred and I knew I had to stop or I might not turn back. I just stood there for sometime taking in the rain and allowed my tears to flow freely. Till I felt drained. Bare.
Then I returned home;
completely drenched by the rains……..
totally soaked in my emotions…….
It is the last week of July. And that by itself always weighs me down. No matter how hard I try, I just cannot block out the events of that week in 2001. Time is supposed to be a great healer, but in this case, it is getting more n more difficult to face this time of the year, with each passing year. I wish I could just do away with this month. It is too traumatic.
And then, there are the rains. Heavy, unrelenting Bombay rains. I stepped out into the heavy downpour yesterday. It feels so good to have the cold rain all over you, drenching you in all its iciness. It really was a very heavy lashing with cold, cold winds and I really enjoyed walking in that shower. I did have people looking at me in amazement. They must have wondered. But I had my thoughts with me. Thoughts about Sunny and my conversation with him yesterday morning. And then, there is Atul. And Neha. All in my thoughts. Parag, who I haven’t met in the whole of last year. And Mustafa, who was here last week and wanted me to meet him over a cup of coffee. And I tried to but couldn’t make it. Preeti, whom I haven’t called in almost a month. And of-course, Sanjay, with whom it’s been quite sometime that I went for a leisurely walk. To his arms I love to snuggle up to and he slips his hand around my waist as we walk.
My racing thoughts and the ever-increasing downpour……
And suddenly, I couldn’t fight the tears anymore. Even as they mixed with the rain pouring down my face, overwhelming me completely. I just kept walking. I don’t know if it was the rain in my eyes or the tears, but my sight got blurred and I knew I had to stop or I might not turn back. I just stood there for sometime taking in the rain and allowed my tears to flow freely. Till I felt drained. Bare.
Then I returned home;
completely drenched by the rains……..
totally soaked in my emotions…….
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